About loneliness..

Lately I've been spending a lot of time alone.
It hasn't been my choice, circumstances kind of forced it upon me.
Although I've always enjoyed my time alone, it was 'aloneness', not loneliness (the difference comes by having a say in it, choosing solitude or being chosen by it).
But I'm trying to make best out of it. I have been reading more, watching movies that I (and only I) want to see, listening the music that I (and mostly I) like; I even started drawing again!
I'm trying to spend this limbo-like lingering and waiting phase, in the most practical way, but after a while (and It's been quite a while) boredom creeps up on you. And you're not ready,you haven't been bored since the age of 10!
When you do all the things you like, everyday, all day long, you kind of get tired of it. You get bored. So,what then? What do you do when you get bored?
That's one of the things.
Then, when you're alone you have nobody to share your thoughts with. Now that sucks!! You've got no one to share your feelings nor thoughts! You are trapped in your own world, having no clue what's really going on!
Your thoughts start ganging up on you and soon you're stuck with memories and hopes and dreams and ideas and fears all mashed up in a big...cloud (let's say) and they just spin around your head, all connected weirdly and repeating over and over. All of a sudden, you can't single out one thought out of hurricane of things going on in your head.
Normally - you see/hear/smell something and it evokes feelings and then thoughts. If you ponder upon them, you might get to an opinion!
But when you have nobody to share it with, it kind of just mashes up into one big ball of ideas, and feelings get toned down into one shade called 'boredom', they connect and you can't make sense out of it no more..
So you need a person to talk to.
Through interaction you get parameters (standards that define 'thought') classify them and form an opinion. You need a reminder of yourself, practically. Reminder of what you know, what you feel about it. And it comes through questions.
Weather somebody asks you a question, or you're asking yourself (evaluating impressions and so forming an opinion, unspoken) it's curiosity that is necessary. And then, the fact that you are facing someone who you have to connect to by speech also helps in extraction of opinion out of the mashed-up blob . (forming blob particles into a sentence is a specially interesting process but we're not gonna get into that right now..)
I know a lot of people wrote about significance of other peoples company, I have read some of it. This is only interpretation of what I've learned through my own experience.


On a nice day I sit on the porch

Being stuck in your head with your own thoughts, deprived of different perspective and other peoples voice,
is not fun/ny.

It's still Tuesday;)

We saw Inception last night. And boy, did we get infected!... I’ll say no more, since I was a victim of watching Shutter Island recently, knowing the end all along(it’s not funny-do not tell people the end of the film, it’s plain cruel!). I won’t inflict this injustice on any other poor unsuspecting souls. Just see it...

It will affect you, be sure of that...

It is really hard to shake off the surroundings of the film afterwards. Don’t try folding buildings, won’t work. I tried....hard.

So here are some places I didn’t create but took pictures of them last night. (I need a totem, just in case...)

And we stumbled upon (created,hm?) this house that seems so out of context in this street. Like it escaped from a peaceful Vojvodina(nian?) village from 1920s and landed in the centre of Belgrade. But it didn't want to be too pretentious so it didn't land in the middle of Knez Mihajlova*, it just nestled quietly between two buildings few streets away, but close to the centre of attention. It even has old toys in one window and flowers in another. And a dried** flower decoration from a wedding above the door. And I, as a Vojvodina(nian?) girl was swept off my feet...

*main pedestrian zone and a tourist site in Belgrade

**flower decoration is left on the main entrance for a year after the wedding in Serbia

It's actually Tuesday July 27th in Serbia, already :)

I live in Serbia (enough said) ;)

So I stayed behind when dear .... left, to make sense out of here and now as she does the same just on the other side of the planet. And I missed her ’cause I could only speak slow without her and I could only be conventional without her. And she speaks French and I don't (and I love French), so I could only speak Serbian and English with French accent alone(horrible). I was on the verge of becoming PROSAIC (notice:the most dreaded adjective anyone can ever threaten me with) ;)  

Now we decided to break the laws of physics and biology and astrology and any other -ology that wants to join in on the ride. I have a little window overlooking Alaska and she has a little window overlooking her...(well, she'll know). We make a long flight short and enjoy the ride. Now we bring ourselves back too. We have a theme!

Now, my dear ...., let’s break this pixelated electronic bottle of champagne on the sweet a** of our little venture and sail. Hopefully, it will bring us something nice and a lot of spice;)

Mingling

I came to Alaska more than a year ago, from a small town in a small country in south-eastern Europe. Country I learned to love despite all it's flaws, the country like no other, the country of actually-free - Serbia.
I never planned on coming to Alaska. Opportunity presented itself, and I took it. I expected it to be just a short trip. An adventure. But things turned out different..

I gained a lot by coming here - love of a man I never dreamed of, but hoped he exists.
I gained more than I could have imagined.

On the other hand, I lost a lot as well - myself.

Part of 'losing myself' refers to losing my family and friends, my lovely little cat, my home, my context.
One of the people whose absence in my life I interpret as losing myself - a friend that puts me in a context which I hope I'll reach to belong in, a friend that has known me for years and years and has never failed me nor forget me, never gave up on me and never stopped amazing me - is the person who came up with the idea of this blog, initially to keep in touch with each other, but then, keeping in touch with ourselves, as well.
She can breathe life into dead and beat life out of you! She is evil as a cherry pie and lovely as a butterfly! She gives all she's got, and takes just love in return. She's lady and a fighter, you'd certainly like her!
Ladies and gentleman, without further a due, one and only
Miss M !

Prelude to Introduction

I always had some form of evidencing the time passing by.
I do not care much for hours and days, and months - I am referring to that inner time.
There was always some sort of 'chart' - chart of personal development in a form of writing, drawing, taking pictures or recordings.. Some kind of evidence of my life, as if I feared that I might be passing through it not noticing, or wondering, or understanding, or trying hard enough.
I'm not sure if that is the case or am I just trying to give meaning to things I do, but one thing is certain - I do think life is a puzzle, and I can't help myself trying to solve it.

In the past few years I haven't had almost any form of keeping track of time - that personal, developmental time. There is no reflection of the effect it had on me.

I have taken a lot of pictures in those years though, but as I'm going through those pictures now, I'm noticing this small little detail.
- I'm barely on any of them.

So,why am I not on them? And why does that matter?

I started thinking about what have I been doing in those years, and another detail popped up.
- I have stopped doing all the things that make me happy, the things that I normally do for personal pleasure.
But why? What happened to me?

I tried to figure out where I've been? What was going on? ..was I happy?? (as If my mind was gone and my body was leading it's own life !)

So after some serious thinking, I figured out what is off about it all, what's missing.
- I am missing. I am not there. The same way that I'm missing in those photos; I am missing in my own life. Now that's an abstract reflection of time passing by!

But what does it all mean? And still, why does my absence in the pictures matter?
- I'm sitting aside, taking pictures...I am not participating. I'm off the chart.
Escaping memories that I don't want to have? I don't think so, I AM taking pictures, I am just not in them.
(lightning flashes, thunder in the distance, and the tree is on fire! - primitive form of a light bulb!)
- That's what I've become, an Observer!!!

I do not like Observers, and this is my resistance to 'Observationism',my 'Life interpretation' - while trying to get back IN.

So, let's start by mingling!