Mindbreaker

I came to the point in my life when I'm not questioning 'whys' anymore.
I feel my spirit settling down with the idea that there are things that I cannot change.
I realize now that the change that I foolishly longed for, would not be something experienceable, it was never an option, because I longed for an actual cease of being.
I was bedazzled with the idea that if I was no more I would be happy..
But how childish and absurd that is!
If I was no more there would be no one to be happy about it. I would never enjoy my absence because In my absence I wouldn't be able to enjoy anything. Or feel anything...
And I am all about feelings in this life.. (beyond it, I might just 'be not')

For years it was something that I hated about myself and wished to change. I hoped that growing up would take me away from my unsettled heart and bring me closer to my reason. But who is this "I" that I'm trying to bring to and fro'?
And wouldn't then that "I" be deformed? Displaced instead of "brought"?
"To bring somebody to their senses"!
This is absurd as well.
Bringing somebody to their senses is another word for indoctrinating, synchronizing another with your own patterns - that are actually not even yours, but those of the society. A frame we were put in and that we embraced just so we could be embraced ourselves. But underneath that, what lies?
A lie.
A lie we tell ourselves about ourselves and the world around us. But what do we know about either of the two?
I know that my current acceptance is just an acceptance of the current things. Who knows what lies ahead..? Who knows what lies within...?
We can but explore, and hope, that one day we will forget what we've learned and just feel...and just respond...
I used to think that emotions are lower form of self, lower than thought or reason. But now, I see that all but feelings is a lie. It is unintentional lie..."white" one, if you like...but a lie non the less...
I'm learning again to listen to my heart and to respect it's desires, instead of diminishing or denying them. I've been struggling with my emotions ever since I know of myself. Now, I'm learning to listen to them...To express them...to respond to them...
I finally accept my imperfection. I love it cause it's mine, and in those terms, perfectly unique. Maybe I will never find the way to express my feelings in an original way...Maybe they can never be expressed as are because of simple problem of connotation and denotation. But I will let them out. I will give them freedom to be.
I can offer bits and pieces of my feelings, named wrongly perhaps, but shaded with hope, a hope that someone, someday will feel me beyond words.
And even if it happens, I might never know...I might never get any satisfaction or comfort out of it....
(Connotation and denotation again...what a lesson to be learned at school!!)
But it keeps my hope. It keeps my spirit less hungry for answers to 'whys'.
And I know now that only true answer to my 'whys' is waiting somewhere beyond this form of existence that we call 'life'.
It is waiting. IT is waiting...... For me.
I am not in rush to find out anymore. It is an answer to a puzzle that I have the entire life to ponder upon. It will be my ultimate mind breaker.
And I hope,
I hope
I never learn answers.
I hope I won't learn although knowledge is all I ever wanted!
I don't want that kind of knowledge anymore...
I don't want to deceive myself thinking that anything I learn in this life might be an answer for anything beyond this life. I didn't imagine this world, and so,
there is only as much I can learn outside of my a priori knowledge.
I am certain that this 'game' of life would lose it's purpose if we knew the answers before they were pondered upon, believed in, disappointed with, hoped for, and lamented over because of their nonfulfillment.
I believe that our dissatisfaction is meant to be everlasting. ('Ever' as in this life's 'ever' time frame. Forever and never are just another word for 'is' and 'isn't'.)
That dissatisfaction is necessary, it moves us and takes us places, silences our reason and allow our heart to tune in....That heart that we too often hide - from ourselves. Our mind is a tyrant to our heart. A dictator and an oppressor. Be a man and fight back.

I will wait for my heart to interpret what life teaches. It is the only way to become who we are. To bring ourselves back to ourselves and define ourselves outside of the frame. Because we do go far beyond the frame...But we let our hands and heads be cut off because they can't 'fit'.
But if you remove something from the picture, it doesn't make it go away...it doesn't stop. It collapses within us to the bottomless pits that we keep in darkness - in fear, that we are inadequate, for going beyond acceptable&expectable, for the fear of failure in the battle where we stood on our own side... But the depths are still there, filled with things that we can't tell...with emotions, so intricate...and they connect us...they are searching for each other behind our backs...we can try to forget this, but what a shame it would be...To forget 'the name' of the one that we need to love first, in order to reach out and love another. Our own.

I pat myself on the shoulder. "It is OK", i tell myself....
My sadness might never go away, but if my heart is sad, it must be it's true form, it must be a question of it's 'wants'.
And I can accept that.
I can finally make peace with my desires and 'ares'. I weight my wants and react them into 'ares'. And that is the most that any of us can do, while we wait for answers.