Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Windmills within

My fears are countless. Yet ,
above them all is desire to be who I want to be,
and that is not a coward.

Sometimes I feel like all the decisions I made throughout my life were simple resistance to fears I have. Just trying to defy the tendencies...
It could be that I was just taught into fear. Indoctrinated to fear certain things....
But weren't we all...

Still, there is one thing that I fear deep inside that I haven't been taught. It was born in my loneliness.
Fear of finding out that I am not who I think I am.
I fear that my 'knowledge' on me is just an attempt to be someone else.
That, all that I am is just an attempt not to be who I actually am, in nature.
And in that fear, I shiver before thought that my nature might not be good.


I always say that I think all the people are good in their essence.....
I figure, in the end, everyone just wants to be happy.
And happiness comes from good things happening to us.
Whatever ideas or desires one might have, the bottom line is - it's a pursuit of happiness.
And to want to be happy means that one wants to feel
good.
And if one can wish to feel good, I assume that he/she knows bad as well.
One had to feel bad in order to wish to feel good.
And if feeling bad comes from being treated bad, that means that one can make a difference between being treated bad and being treated well.
And if that mistreatment gave birth to desires that are not so good (accepted as good by general society, for which we should sometimes try not to care as much...) for others, then those desires are under influence/born from what has been experienced, and are but an egoistical need to satisfy oneself - to deny the others and emphasize oneself.
But that 'self' that has been mistreated and now desires something - maybe unacceptable, is just in a sort of an aftershock. And it needs 'justice' for oneself...
In the mistreatment, standards for justice could be to mistreat others.
I'm not saying that it is something that can be justified, or something that should be let in, and then let out.
I am saying that it is all consequence.
Not one's true self.

Most people will respond kindly to kindness.
Give it a go!
Smile at someone who seems sad or angry.
Smile gently.
Smile with compassion.
You will be surprised how many people are ready and willing to mimic the emotion.
We all crave for acceptance, even if it sometimes mean denying ourselves.
We will rather give up on ourselves than on the others..

But I fear that all my premises might be wrong.
Maybe we are simply not all good in our essence.
Maybe we were thought to mimic goodness a little too well - in order to be accepted.

I fear that parts of me are always going to stay hidden, but subconsciously they are affecting my actions. And if that subconscious part of me can make me do things, and it can, I fear of thought that there might be wickedness instead of good, which is conducting some cruel experiment in some morbid desire to prove me wrong. To play me out. To deceive me into fulfillment of some bottom-line urges, to rule over me. I am aware this might sound silly - 'our subconscious conducting an experiment'! But what do we know of it. How can we know that it is not just a piece of something bigger, controlled by some One. How can I know it is not a portal of some sort through which we can be controlled by something bigger, or simply better informed... with better connections..
Sometimes I think that our subconscious has it's own will... and it is completely conscious-less, in terms of subconscious consciousness. To put it simple - it might be set up on a random mode with no censorship.

Think of your dreams.
How often do you feel unsettled remembering your dreams.....
How often your dreams scare you...
It is your subconscious that scares you.
It's subconscious that can make you feel and in accordance with it - react.
It's all a very well played joke.
Secretive,
masked into socially acceptable reasons.
Masked into reason
s...... Although that is precisely what it's lacking.
I fear my subconscious' reasoning.
I fear myself.
After all I've been through, I came back to myself , to find out, that all the fears I managed to fight back were just an illusion, because the only fear that matters is the one deep within.






here's fabulous Lissie, covering Kid Cudi's "Pursuit of Happiness"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0EZ1XkbjFS0&p=07ABF0ABD5F0FB66&playnext=1&index=7

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