Windmills within

My fears are countless. Yet ,
above them all is desire to be who I want to be,
and that is not a coward.

Sometimes I feel like all the decisions I made throughout my life were simple resistance to fears I have. Just trying to defy the tendencies...
It could be that I was just taught into fear. Indoctrinated to fear certain things....
But weren't we all...

Still, there is one thing that I fear deep inside that I haven't been taught. It was born in my loneliness.
Fear of finding out that I am not who I think I am.
I fear that my 'knowledge' on me is just an attempt to be someone else.
That, all that I am is just an attempt not to be who I actually am, in nature.
And in that fear, I shiver before thought that my nature might not be good.


I always say that I think all the people are good in their essence.....
I figure, in the end, everyone just wants to be happy.
And happiness comes from good things happening to us.
Whatever ideas or desires one might have, the bottom line is - it's a pursuit of happiness.
And to want to be happy means that one wants to feel good.
And if one can wish to feel good, I assume that he/she knows bad as well.
One had to feel bad in order to wish to feel good.
And if feeling bad comes from being treated bad, that means that one can make a difference between being treated bad and being treated well.
And if that mistreatment gave birth to desires that are not so good (accepted as good by general society, for which we should sometimes try not to care as much...) for others, then those desires are under influence/born from what has been experienced, and are but an egoistical need to satisfy oneself - to deny the others and emphasize oneself.
But that 'self' that has been mistreated and now desires something - maybe unacceptable, is just in a sort of an aftershock. And it needs 'justice' for oneself...
In the mistreatment, standards for justice could be to mistreat others.
I'm not saying that it is something that can be justified, or something that should be let in, and then let out.
I am saying that it is all consequence.
Not one's true self.

Most people will respond kindly to kindness.
Give it a go!
Smile at someone who seems sad or angry.
Smile gently.
Smile with compassion.
You will be surprised how many people are ready and willing to mimic the emotion.
We all crave for acceptance, even if it sometimes mean denying ourselves.
We will rather give up on ourselves than on the others..

But I fear that all my premises might be wrong.
Maybe we are simply not all good in our essence.
Maybe we were thought to mimic goodness a little too well - in order to be accepted.

I fear that parts of me are always going to stay hidden, but subconsciously they are affecting my actions. And if that subconscious part of me can make me do things, and it can, I fear of thought that there might be wickedness instead of good, which is conducting some cruel experiment in some morbid desire to prove me wrong. To play me out. To deceive me into fulfillment of some bottom-line urges, to rule over me. I am aware this might sound silly - 'our subconscious conducting an experiment'! But what do we know of it. How can we know that it is not just a piece of something bigger, controlled by some One. How can I know it is not a portal of some sort through which we can be controlled by something bigger, or simply better informed... with better connections..
Sometimes I think that our subconscious has it's own will... and it is completely conscious-less, in terms of subconscious consciousness. To put it simple - it might be set up on a random mode with no censorship.

Think of your dreams.
How often do you feel unsettled remembering your dreams.....
How often your dreams scare you...
It is your subconscious that scares you.
It's subconscious that can make you feel and in accordance with it - react.
It's all a very well played joke.
Secretive,
masked into socially acceptable reasons.
Masked into reasons...... Although that is precisely what it's lacking.
I fear my subconscious' reasoning.
I fear myself.
After all I've been through, I came back to myself , to find out, that all the fears I managed to fight back were just an illusion, because the only fear that matters is the one deep within.






here's fabulous Lissie, covering Kid Cudi's "Pursuit of Happiness"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0EZ1XkbjFS0&p=07ABF0ABD5F0FB66&playnext=1&index=7

To Alex

This is a long distance gift to my friend Alex. Alex is a talented artist. The kind that made our high school teachers turn their heads in disbelief, some with approval, some in shock and awe. It was always fun to see their reactions on the day the art teacher was displaying students art in the hallways. The younger teachers were almost always excited and chirped excitedly, with crazy grins on their faces, happy that someone actually had the guts to do what everyone wanted. The older just mumbled under their breath, astonished, positively or less so, I guess we’ll never know.

When Alex screamed on her FB page: Why no one told me Olja Ivanjicki died?! I almost slapped myself, how could I forget she would want to know that. So I recently went to Pancevo (born there, but I never lived there), my uncle showed me a statue and said Olja Ivanjicki did that, and I instantly thought of Alex. So for now here are the pictures, dear, and when you get back, I can take you there and we can touch it, dance around it, sit on the bench in front of it and watch it while eating icecream or any other more traditional Serbian food, or we can kneel and bow or dance around it, or simply act like normal people. To you, dear friend! Miss ya:**** 

the cat just wanted to make smile, 'cause we love cats :*

Mindbreaker

I came to the point in my life when I'm not questioning 'whys' anymore.
I feel my spirit settling down with the idea that there are things that I cannot change.
I realize now that the change that I foolishly longed for, would not be something experienceable, it was never an option, because I longed for an actual cease of being.
I was bedazzled with the idea that if I was no more I would be happy..
But how childish and absurd that is!
If I was no more there would be no one to be happy about it. I would never enjoy my absence because In my absence I wouldn't be able to enjoy anything. Or feel anything...
And I am all about feelings in this life.. (beyond it, I might just 'be not')

For years it was something that I hated about myself and wished to change. I hoped that growing up would take me away from my unsettled heart and bring me closer to my reason. But who is this "I" that I'm trying to bring to and fro'?
And wouldn't then that "I" be deformed? Displaced instead of "brought"?
"To bring somebody to their senses"!
This is absurd as well.
Bringing somebody to their senses is another word for indoctrinating, synchronizing another with your own patterns - that are actually not even yours, but those of the society. A frame we were put in and that we embraced just so we could be embraced ourselves. But underneath that, what lies?
A lie.
A lie we tell ourselves about ourselves and the world around us. But what do we know about either of the two?
I know that my current acceptance is just an acceptance of the current things. Who knows what lies ahead..? Who knows what lies within...?
We can but explore, and hope, that one day we will forget what we've learned and just feel...and just respond...
I used to think that emotions are lower form of self, lower than thought or reason. But now, I see that all but feelings is a lie. It is unintentional lie..."white" one, if you like...but a lie non the less...
I'm learning again to listen to my heart and to respect it's desires, instead of diminishing or denying them. I've been struggling with my emotions ever since I know of myself. Now, I'm learning to listen to them...To express them...to respond to them...
I finally accept my imperfection. I love it cause it's mine, and in those terms, perfectly unique. Maybe I will never find the way to express my feelings in an original way...Maybe they can never be expressed as are because of simple problem of connotation and denotation. But I will let them out. I will give them freedom to be.
I can offer bits and pieces of my feelings, named wrongly perhaps, but shaded with hope, a hope that someone, someday will feel me beyond words.
And even if it happens, I might never know...I might never get any satisfaction or comfort out of it....
(Connotation and denotation again...what a lesson to be learned at school!!)
But it keeps my hope. It keeps my spirit less hungry for answers to 'whys'.
And I know now that only true answer to my 'whys' is waiting somewhere beyond this form of existence that we call 'life'.
It is waiting. IT is waiting...... For me.
I am not in rush to find out anymore. It is an answer to a puzzle that I have the entire life to ponder upon. It will be my ultimate mind breaker.
And I hope,
I hope
I never learn answers.
I hope I won't learn although knowledge is all I ever wanted!
I don't want that kind of knowledge anymore...
I don't want to deceive myself thinking that anything I learn in this life might be an answer for anything beyond this life. I didn't imagine this world, and so,
there is only as much I can learn outside of my a priori knowledge.
I am certain that this 'game' of life would lose it's purpose if we knew the answers before they were pondered upon, believed in, disappointed with, hoped for, and lamented over because of their nonfulfillment.
I believe that our dissatisfaction is meant to be everlasting. ('Ever' as in this life's 'ever' time frame. Forever and never are just another word for 'is' and 'isn't'.)
That dissatisfaction is necessary, it moves us and takes us places, silences our reason and allow our heart to tune in....That heart that we too often hide - from ourselves. Our mind is a tyrant to our heart. A dictator and an oppressor. Be a man and fight back.

I will wait for my heart to interpret what life teaches. It is the only way to become who we are. To bring ourselves back to ourselves and define ourselves outside of the frame. Because we do go far beyond the frame...But we let our hands and heads be cut off because they can't 'fit'.
But if you remove something from the picture, it doesn't make it go away...it doesn't stop. It collapses within us to the bottomless pits that we keep in darkness - in fear, that we are inadequate, for going beyond acceptable&expectable, for the fear of failure in the battle where we stood on our own side... But the depths are still there, filled with things that we can't tell...with emotions, so intricate...and they connect us...they are searching for each other behind our backs...we can try to forget this, but what a shame it would be...To forget 'the name' of the one that we need to love first, in order to reach out and love another. Our own.

I pat myself on the shoulder. "It is OK", i tell myself....
My sadness might never go away, but if my heart is sad, it must be it's true form, it must be a question of it's 'wants'.
And I can accept that.
I can finally make peace with my desires and 'ares'. I weight my wants and react them into 'ares'. And that is the most that any of us can do, while we wait for answers.

Perfect End of an Imperfect Summer

I graduated today. That’s all I need to say on that topic. It was long overdue, but I finally did and it’s a relief. On the other hand it’s so nice to realise how many people called today with the best of wishes. People care!

And now I present the magical mountain village – Strbovac on the Suva planina*. I got ready for this unexpected weekend trip in a matter of hours. The village is on the height of 800 meters and there is only a narrow, rocky road leading to it (Ewan and Charley had nothing on us with their Road of Bones*). I cooked for my friends, I dug up some potatoes from the garden, I slept on a straw mattress and I never felt better. And the night sky in the mountains is something I miss so much now, I felt like I’ve never seen the stars before... So I’m hooked and I cannot wait to go again!

abandoned village school- the average age of the people of Strbovac today is 65

*Yes, Ewan and Charley this is an invitation - COME TO SERBIA;)

Thankyous and Surprises

Few days ago I was talking to my boss on the phone – something about my pay- and as I finished, my sister said ’’You said thank you at least 3 times. It’s your money, say it once, that’s polite enough, you’ve earned that money, he’s not giving it away to you!’’ And she was so right! I always try to be nice and kind to people, but sometimes I do tend to do it on my own expenses. And the payment was actually very late. So the new mantra  is: easy on on the niceness, you’ve earned it, let them earn theirs!(if it makes any sense at allJ).

But yesterday that same sister surprised me with a necklace I spent days musing on, but never thought of buying it, ’cause, you know, economy and stuff. And I was beyond happy, and I kept thanking her every half hour and those thankyous weren’t wasted. And I’m still thanking her every time I look in the mirror and she hates me J.

So the conclusion is: now I’m saving my thanks for special people and special events!

Now some pictures of the necklace and some other pretty sights:

Birthdays

Last week it was my sister’s birthday. The date of her birthday was always kind of a curse to her, being in the middle of the summer, so most of her birthdays there were just a few friends who didn’t escape town for summer holiday and could come to the party. But now as we live in another city it’s a treat that we can come home for her birthday. And the bad economy also helps (i <3 silver linings) cause most of our friends are also in town spending time at the local swimming pool. And how weird is that she has better birthday parties now than as a kid. So this is how I wrapped her present and the card I made (me so proud). The paper is from some Jazz magazine in Italian(we don’t understand) that we buy for the cds they gift. Both of us always saved the pretty wrapping papers and I always wanted the one I can tear excitedly to see my gift, so I took this one for that purpose. She didn’t tear it though:/, she kept the hole thing just carefully took out the gift. Next time i’ll make it uglier...

About loneliness..

Lately I've been spending a lot of time alone.
It hasn't been my choice, circumstances kind of forced it upon me.
Although I've always enjoyed my time alone, it was 'aloneness', not loneliness (the difference comes by having a say in it, choosing solitude or being chosen by it).
But I'm trying to make best out of it. I have been reading more, watching movies that I (and only I) want to see, listening the music that I (and mostly I) like; I even started drawing again!
I'm trying to spend this limbo-like lingering and waiting phase, in the most practical way, but after a while (and It's been quite a while) boredom creeps up on you. And you're not ready,you haven't been bored since the age of 10!
When you do all the things you like, everyday, all day long, you kind of get tired of it. You get bored. So,what then? What do you do when you get bored?
That's one of the things.
Then, when you're alone you have nobody to share your thoughts with. Now that sucks!! You've got no one to share your feelings nor thoughts! You are trapped in your own world, having no clue what's really going on!
Your thoughts start ganging up on you and soon you're stuck with memories and hopes and dreams and ideas and fears all mashed up in a big...cloud (let's say) and they just spin around your head, all connected weirdly and repeating over and over. All of a sudden, you can't single out one thought out of hurricane of things going on in your head.
Normally - you see/hear/smell something and it evokes feelings and then thoughts. If you ponder upon them, you might get to an opinion!
But when you have nobody to share it with, it kind of just mashes up into one big ball of ideas, and feelings get toned down into one shade called 'boredom', they connect and you can't make sense out of it no more..
So you need a person to talk to.
Through interaction you get parameters (standards that define 'thought') classify them and form an opinion. You need a reminder of yourself, practically. Reminder of what you know, what you feel about it. And it comes through questions.
Weather somebody asks you a question, or you're asking yourself (evaluating impressions and so forming an opinion, unspoken) it's curiosity that is necessary. And then, the fact that you are facing someone who you have to connect to by speech also helps in extraction of opinion out of the mashed-up blob . (forming blob particles into a sentence is a specially interesting process but we're not gonna get into that right now..)
I know a lot of people wrote about significance of other peoples company, I have read some of it. This is only interpretation of what I've learned through my own experience.


On a nice day I sit on the porch

Being stuck in your head with your own thoughts, deprived of different perspective and other peoples voice,
is not fun/ny.